RAILROAD SIGNALS of the U.S.

Funny Stuff
Page 5 of this Crap :-)

 

 

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I haven't put any new stuff up for years....... so.......

The "right" seems to be more effective when it comes to political satire, with that said, don't take no 'fense'.


The Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.  I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.


A Man's Random Thoughts:

 

Went out last night and got really wasted.  I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again.  She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.  So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.  I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.  Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!?"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."  "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Definition of the word COINCIDENCE:

A chicken farmer went to the local bar.....
He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".
"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added "It is a special day for me, I'm celebrating".
"It's a special day for me too" said the woman, "I am also celebrating".
"What a coincidence" said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asks: What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for years, and today, my doctor told me I was pregnant".
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.  I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they
     are all set to lay fertilized eggs".
"That's awesome" said the woman, "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said "What a coincidence!"



   

   

   


An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''


THESE REALLY WORK!!
I checked these out on Snopes and they are for real!


AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1.    AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU
CHOP.


2.    AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3.    FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.  REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4.    A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5.    IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.
THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6.     YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.
IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7.     IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Some people are like Slinkies.... Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when they are pushed down the stairs.

SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
Never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and sleeping pills on the same night!


ETERNAL LIFE:

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.


As stupid as these are, they've got to be real! :-)..... The people who write this stuff should be publicly flogged.

   

 

     

 

   

 

    

 

     

 

     

 

 

 

 

     

 

   

   

 

   

 

   

 

   


 




 


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NEW 7/4/2013
Last changed: 03 Aug 2013