RAILROAD SIGNALS of the U.S.

 

FUNNY STUFF
PAGE 3

 


IDIOT CENTRAL for 2006

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.  Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.  I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

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Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.  Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.  They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
 
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Number Three Idiot of 2006
 
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag."  While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.  So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.  He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America .

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

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Number Four Idiot of 2006
 
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.  He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign

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Number Five Idiot of 2006
 
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."  The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.  At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.  The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his loot.  The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

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Idiot Number Six of 2006
 
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.  The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign

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Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.  The whole event was caught on videotape. 

Yep, here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

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IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area.   We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.  The reason:  "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."  From Kingman, KS .

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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.  He was a Chef?   Yep...From Kansas City!

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IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"  I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"  He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."  Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

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IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded , "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

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IDIOT SIGHTING :
 
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing."  Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."  Not another word was spoken.  We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.  This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

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IDIOT SIGHTING:
 
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

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IDIOT SIGHTING:
 
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"  His reply, "I know - I already got that side."  This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

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STAY ALERT!
They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE ...!!! 


When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. 
 
 
 Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
 you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said,
 pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
 stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
  Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed "

What did you do that for ?"
  

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel"

 

Father-Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of  wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew.  She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing ?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades!  I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, " Welcome to the Republican party."

Unfortunately, this is all too true - ed


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. 
 
The waitress asks them for their orders. 
 
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, 
 
"What's yours?" 
 
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. 
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 
 
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.  
 
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 
 
"A hamburger, fries and a coke."  The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."  
 
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 
 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.  
 
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.  
 
"Same," says the ostrich. 
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." 
 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.  
 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 
 
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"  
 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  
 
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. 
 
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."  
 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"  
 
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.  
 
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" 
 
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 

Finkelstein and Jesus   

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. 

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.  
 
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! 

He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no,no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by  Finkelstein, the Tailor ? " 

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses. 

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through
Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. 

He pushed his way through the crowd  to speak to him and as soon as  Finkelstein  spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business !  Would you consider a partnership ? " 

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is." 

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.  "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."  The two of them debated this for some time. 

Their discussion was long and "spirited," but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. 

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop. 

Can you guess what it read ?  Are you sure you want to know ? 

Here it comes...  Don't say you weren't warned...... 
 



OH, DON'T WHINE & MOAN!  You know you're going to pass it on.
















 


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