God went to the Arabs
and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the
Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments"
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested.
He went to the Jews
and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"We'll take 10." Thanks to Al Ross for forwarding this one to me.
When I'm in a good mood,
I worry, work and think,
When I'm in a bad mood,
I gamble screw, and drink,
When my mood is over,
And my time has come to pass,
I hope they bury me upside down,
So the whole world can kiss my ass.
Thanks to Joe F. at work for enlightening me with this one!
1. Time To Pick On The Irish....
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
2. "Irish Shopping"
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin", said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
3. "You've Been Out Drinking Again"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing.
So the Irishman stood up to leave, fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called, you left your wheelchair there again."
4. "I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
5. "Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and
gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
6. "The Reunion"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar
and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The
first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the
second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
7. The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister
walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man
of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and
the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fa llin'
victim to temptation as well." Then they see a catholic priest enter
the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of
the girls must be dying.
8. Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road
which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
"It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old
age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named
Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."! Just then,
Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was
his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
9. Irish Miracle
An Irishman who had a lit tle too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
10. Irish Accident
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was a n accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."!
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
11. Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering
you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's
terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did,
Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He
said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'
12. Till Death Do We Part
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the
table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys,
someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul
Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't
make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen
you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher
goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and
asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is
afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "I'll go
tell him, straight away." says Gallagher